Accomplishment . . . Or Not

Accomplishment . . . something I’ve known little of in the past week and a half – unless you count sleeping the day away, watching nonstop HGTV when I’m awake, and spontaneously and regularly bursting into tears from being sick and tired of being sick and tired as accomplishment. If so, then I’m actually doing pretty well.

My son and I pray on the way to school each morning (meaning I drive and watch the road and he prays), and we always discuss what we have coming up in our day first. This morning, I told him my big plan for the day was to do something useful. His response was, “You know you don’t have to do that, right?”

My sweet boy doesn’t care if I accomplish anything today, nor does my wonderful daughter, who has been doing much of my normal house duties, nor does my hero husband, who told me yesterday he was going to quiz me on House Hunters episodes when he got home from work, to make sure I didn’t do too much during the day. :-)

They are handling this much better than I am.

Going into chemo, I thought I was going to have a few tired days and then be back to normal after each treatment. The first one was sort of like that, but this second one has been a DOOZIE! I.Do.NOT.Like.It! (…picture two-year old stomping and pitching a fit . . . yeah, that’s me.)

It’s not just that I feel stir-crazy. It’s that I feel USELESS! I want to ACCOMPLISH something!

So, here is where I’d like to insert great wisdom of how I snapped out of this bout of “Opti-rectalitis: a condition where the optic nerve and the rectal nerve get tangled up, giving you a crappy outlook on life.” 

(Um . . . I didn’t come up with that . . . my former pastor in TN did . . . you know who you are if you are reading this and want to claim credit . . . if not, I’ll let you remain anonymous.)

Back to my point . . . I haven’t quite recovered from the chemo OR the Opti-rectalitis . . . even though:

• I know this is temporary
• I know this is normal
• I know my hair will grow back (hopefully)
• I know the main thing is for me to get well and not worry about doing something useful
• I know God is teaching me
• I know God is strengthening me
• I know I am loved by Him and by SO many people whom I’m SO very thankful for
• and I know each day is a gift . . . regardless of what I accomplish in it

Still, right now, I’m struggling to joyfully accept those things as being enough.

So, I am thankful that I read today:

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,'
even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you."

                                           Psalm 139: 1-18

I am thankful that when I’m lying down and can’t accomplish anything, or I'm in the dark and can’t seem to find the light of hope, or even when I’m suffering from Opti-rectalitis . . . I am not alone. He is there!

I don’t have to accomplish anything to impress Him or earn His approval of my day’s work. He already formed every one of my days from before I was born, (even the ones like I’ve had for the last week and a half). So, I can accept these days and just rest in knowing that He is there. That is enough for today.

“I awake, and I am still with You.” Thank you, Father!

By grace,

Donna